homedaddy

“So where are we going?” says the anxious traveler as they speed through the dark.
 
“It’s a vineyard,” says the driver, laughing in an unsettling way.

“Who grows wine in Illinois?” thinks the traveler to himself. Then he says out loud, “I don’t want this to be construed as rude or suspicious, but what should I know about charismatics?”

The driver laughs. “I’ll make you a guarantee that you won’t see any speaking in tongues or people floating through the trees. At least not tonight.” The driver laughs in a discomforting way as the passenger is sure that he just saw something out the corner of his eye. “Ha, floating, must be a deer.” The sky grows darker and the trees taller.

They arrive at the undisclosed location in the dark. Three men appear out of nowhere and say, “Good evening, brothers.” The men have some snacks and then get a tour of the vineyard complete with a grape tasting. The traveler is sure he sees an apparition. “Nah, just a coyote.”

The tour ends and the guitar begins. “Oh no!” thinks the traveler to himself. Every Vulcan instinct within him is certainly on heightened alert. The hymns and the witnesses go on and on as the traveler sings along in his best flat monotone. Two more hours of witness and song ensue, the main comfort in all of this, according to the traveler, being the stash of Coor’s Light.

The night ends as the men voice their reasons for having to leave early. “Early?” the traveler thinks. “It’s 11:15 by now!” The men begin to leave, exchanging handshakes and hugs. The traveler submits to this dubious practice and leaves with his charismatic friend. He is asked to provide his honest opinion as the driver presses, “So what did you think?”

“Well,” the traveler begins hesitantly, “uh, it was the most, uh… I’d say that was the most outdoor singing and praying I’ve ever done in my life.” The driver laughs in reply and launches into a witness that would be on par with throwing an atheist in a fox hole with a grenade.

The traveler anticipates becoming the driver as the driver finally reaches the destination of the traveler’s car. As the traveler leaves the car, the driver says enthusiastically, “Oh, come here, you,” and gives the traveler an uplifting hug. Every Vulcan nerve is on edge as this happens. The only reply the traveler can muster is, “Well, uh okay, we’ll see you next time.”

The traveler is puzzled and intimidated by this good bye. His Vulcan nerves are on the highest alert. This Vulcan-traveler stops off at a familiar convenience store and ignores the gangsta rapper walking past him and the fact that he has to be buzzed in. He picks up a Gatorade, ready to make a purchase. The traveler is greeted by the night clerk when all of a sudden something changes.

The traveler feels light, almost cloud-like. His feet lift above the ground and the flat affect changes to a Cheshire grin. His head cocks to the side, his hands float to his hips and he feels this overwhelming joy as he exhorts, “It looks like somebody needs a hug!”

The clerk is now running away, screaming, toward the bullet proof glass. The newborn charismatic doesn’t bother to ask for his change, but confidently says to himself, “Maybe next time.” The neo-charismatic floats out of the store as the terrified clerk vigorously records the license plate of the man. The lawsuit for emotional distress is pending.

Okay, everything above is absolutely true. Well, everything except maybe the convenience-store hug.